What to Expect When You are NOT Expecting... Like Ever

Everyone asking you when you are going to have a baby.

Making that face when you tell them it just isn't in the cards for you.

Wondering who will take care of you when you're old if the hubs kicks the bucket before you...

Wondering if you are missing out.

And finally realizing, your life doesn't have to look like everyone else's.

No I will NOT make out with you

If you do the weird pinball clicker thing with your tongue. No one wants you to shove your tongue in their mouths and then move it quickly from one side to the other. We're not in middle school anymore.

You have super big lips. My lips are small and I don't need your ginormous smacker eating my face off.

You don't brush your teeth on the regular.

You have really itchy facial hair. Let it grow out and get soft or shave shave shave. And no mustaches. Ever.

I'm not dating you. Making out with a bunch of randoms grosses me out.

Two words.... canker sore

And now for the most adorable movie kiss of all time.....

How to Lose a Guy in 3 Dates

1. Tell him how crazy you went when your ex broke things off. Nothing like reminicing about your time in the clink and who doesn't appreciate the ability to create a shank from poor quality toilet paper? #lockedup
2. Insist that he tell you which Housewives franchise is his favorite and why. 
3. Force him to choose between Angelina and Jen
4. Tell him how much you hate your job and you can't wait to be a stay at home wife. No kids though. You plan to fill your days by caring for your 3 cats, 2 dogs, and lionhead bunny.
5. Fart.... loudly....  Bonus points if you lift your leg 
6. Tell him how you like to use foot powder under your boobs to prevent chafing. Be sure to mention that you also spread some on your butt because you like the tingle of eucalyptus. 
7. Ask for his credit card number so you can book a Groupon Getaway to celebrate your one month anniversary. 

I hate it when....

My work computer won't let me get on certain blogs..... damn you categorization unknown error

 

 

 

When others aren't genuinely happy for your accomplishments

 

 

 

 

People discuss politics..... please dear God just stop. Now obviously tragedies should not be ignored but when you just want to bitch for the sake of bitching I want to high five you in the face with a chair.

 

 

Try to tell me "those crazy wrap things" did this...

 

 

I'm not saying that they may not help you lose inches temporarily. I am saying that even 3 months of those wraps are not going to make you lost 15lbs (my estimate from this picture). Maybe if you eat well and exercise you could get results like that but I call total bullshit on this entire marketing strategy. It's shady.

 

This is not in response to Raven's posts where she clearly says she is eating and exercising correctly. I have a facebook friend who posts this crap six times a day implying that they are miracle workers when they so very clearly ARE NOT.

 

BOOM!

 

Finish this sentence.... I hate it when.... 

 



We can't be friends

We can't be friends if....

You don't love reality television. Sorry I'm not sorry. What would we even talk about?

You don't love animals. I love my fur babies more than anyone or anything in the world. Besides my family of course.

You don't love Starbucks. I can't even...... mochas make life worth living.

You don't think its perfectly acceptable to discuss poop. I pooped so much today. I swear it was like 12 inches long. 

My sobriety

I used to be addicted. Maybe not the kind of addiction you might expect. I have never needed a drink or abused drugs. I was addicted to something that was very bad for me. Someone who was very bad for me. Not because he was a bad person but because we didn't bring out good things in one another.

Most people will admit that they have been in a not so great relationship. Maybe a relationship they stayed in way too long. So when did my relationship go from not so great to a life altering destructive path?

It's hard to know the exact second it happened.... the first time I was afraid to be who I really was with him. The first time I knew that the problems were entirely unfixable and yet I could not bring myself to leave. The second I started believing, in my core, that I would never be good enough for him. And I needed to be with him. Desperately.

 I didn't know that the crumbs he gave me were far less than I deserved.

Seeing him today, after three years of growth, forgiveness and sobriety....

I realized that crumbs were all he had to give.

I'm obsessed with.....

1.       My bed. Seriously ya’ll. It’s heaven in a mattress. I’m not the only one who thinks so. I literally have had friends call me at work to ask me if they can go take a nap at my house. It’s nothing short of amazeballs. And it wasn’t expensive. Some offbrand (Southerland or Southland maybe?) I happened to stumble upon when I was at Ashley Furniture.

    2.      Frappucino. #needsnoexplanation

 

      3. Beyonce

 

 

      4. St. Louis Cardinals..... I'm going to go ahead and say that when they won the World Series in2012 it was easily one of the best days of my life. There is nothing like the energy at a red bird game. And Yadi. He's my fav.

 

 

 



 5. Puppy breath.