Friday, May 30, 2014

How to Lose a Guy in 3 Dates

  1. Tell him how crazy you went when your ex broke things off. Nothing like reminicing about your time in the clink and who doesn't appreciate the ability to create a shank from poor quality toilet paper? #lockedup
  2. Insist that he tell you which Housewives franchise is his favorite and why. 
  3. Force him to choose between Angelina and Jen
  4. Tell him how much you hate your job and you can't wait to be a stay at home wife. No kids though. You plan to fill your days by caring for your 3 cats, 2 dogs, and lionhead bunny.
  5. Fart.... loudly....  Bonus points if you lift your leg 
  6. Tell him how you like to use foot powder under your boobs to prevent chafing. Be sure to mention that you also spread some on your butt because you like the tingle of eucalyptus. 
  7. Ask for his credit card number so you can book a Groupon Getaway to celebrate your one month anniversary. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I hate it when....

My work computer won't let me get on certain blogs..... damn you categorization unknown error

When others aren't genuinely happy for your accomplishments
People discuss politics..... please dear God just stop. Now obviously tragedies should not be ignored but when you just want to bitch for the sake of bitching I want to high five you in the face with a chair.
Try to tell me "those crazy wrap things" did this...
I'm not saying that they may not help you lose inches temporarily. I am saying that even 3 months of those wraps are not going to make you lost 15lbs (my estimate from this picture). Maybe if you eat well and exercise you could get results like that but I call total bullshit on this entire marketing strategy. It's shady.
This is not in response to Raven's posts where she clearly says she is eating and exercising correctly. I have a facebook friend who posts this crap six times a day implying that they are miracle workers when they so very clearly ARE NOT.
Finish this sentence.... I hate it when.... 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

We can't be friends

We can't be friends if....

You don't love reality television. Sorry I'm not sorry. What would we even talk about?

You don't love animals. I love my fur babies more than anyone or anything in the world. Besides my family of course.

You don't love Starbucks. I can't even...... mochas make life worth living.

You don't think its perfectly acceptable to discuss poop. I pooped so much today. I swear it was like 12 inches long.