Friday, May 30, 2014

How to Lose a Guy in 3 Dates

  1. Tell him how crazy you went when your ex broke things off. Nothing like reminicing about your time in the clink and who doesn't appreciate the ability to create a shank from poor quality toilet paper? #lockedup
  2. Insist that he tell you which Housewives franchise is his favorite and why. 
  3. Force him to choose between Angelina and Jen
  4. Tell him how much you hate your job and you can't wait to be a stay at home wife. No kids though. You plan to fill your days by caring for your 3 cats, 2 dogs, and lionhead bunny.
  5. Fart.... loudly....  Bonus points if you lift your leg 
  6. Tell him how you like to use foot powder under your boobs to prevent chafing. Be sure to mention that you also spread some on your butt because you like the tingle of eucalyptus. 
  7. Ask for his credit card number so you can book a Groupon Getaway to celebrate your one month anniversary. 


  1. A lionhhead bunny rabbit...that was unexpected, and made me laugh. Checking to see what he's up to by driving by his apartment, then his workplace, then his parent's house is also not a good idea, I've found. Not from personal experience - I used to "cruise" with a bonafied stalked :)

    1. I may have a freakish obsession with lion head bunnies on instagram AND baby goats. Oh yeah.... tiny animals make my heart go BOOM.

  2. LOVE THIS! Giggles. May I also add that instead of reading the worldly happenings in news or fashion or Hollywood you Facebook stalk all of your ex's news feeds while drinking your coffee. Or all of your ex's who haven't blocked you on ALL of their social media accounts already. "*Sip* he was tagged out with WHO last night? She's not even cute... ew." And maybe polish it of with crying every time you hear a song and go into great detail about who what when where and why it reminds you of.... being single has never been so easy.